If you had told me in 1990 that I’d be happily married with four children, that I’d be at Bible college with no fixed income living by faith and yet needing nothing, I’d have called you a bare faced liar. The fact is in 1990 I wanted none of the above and my life was heading in quite the opposite direction. I was emotionally unable to love or be loved. I had a very poor opinion of women and don’t even mention the ‘Marriage’ word. Children were someone else’s problem and my attitude was to travel as light as possible. I think I know from where it stemmed – the details are unimportant and too sordid to share, but the circumstances left me with a bitter taste in my mouth, a bad attitude towards everyone and a very low opinion of myself.
In 1991 I noticed a poster and billboard advertising campaign. It showed many familiar images of life and the hook was ‘DOES LIFE HAVE MEANING?’ I didn’t think so and neither did my best friend Keith (not his real name). Keith and I talked about what we wanted from life and what we’d do not to get trapped in the suburban hell of wife, mortgage and kids. The posters were everywhere and we spent all our time drinking and talking about them. My grandma had given me a Bible the previous Christmas and I’d been reading bits. The posters then changed. They simply said LIFE HAS MEANING! and were advertising the ‘mission’ to Scotland of Billy Graham. During my encounter with Billy Graham I had my life turned upside down by Jesus Christ. However, Keith chose not to go. Jesus started in me a long process, which still goes on today, a process of cleansing and re-adjusting of my attitudes and lifestyle.
Immediately God began to provide for my needs in ways that were amazing, he still does today, I have never been let down. The life I now live has had it’s hardships. In December 1994 Keith took his own life and I still think of him most weeks, of how our paths ran together and then diverged. Today I have been married for 10 years to a woman who is my missing part. I feel like she was designed for me and we have four wonderful children. In 1990 there was nothing I wanted less, now they are my greatest human joy. The feeling I thought would accompany marriage and children is not one of imprisonment but a feeling of liberation and of real acceptance. My attitudes, and as a result my life, has been changed, not in a brainwashing kind of way, but as I study God, who God is and what his character is like, I see that I want to be the ‘man after God’s heart’. Life really does have meaning! I know it sounds cheesy, but, Jesus is the meaning to life!